Wednesday, August 10, 2011

internal strength against external forces

I happen to think that I am pretty centered. I know who I am, I like that person, I am aware of my faults, and either except them or try to work on them. I happen to be pretty confident in my choices too. I don't always take the usual path, but I'm certain that the path I do take is the right one for me at the time. Most of the time, all is good, life is grand!

What about the other times?

Most covers a lot of the time, but sometimes I do let external things break through and get to me. And let me tell you, I am not always so great at handling things when that happens. I tend to think that people make decisions because they either don't like me, or they want to hurt me, or something, but in my slightly self centered brain, it has to do with me (yes, I do think that I am slightly self centered, but I count it as both a strength and a fault). But the truth of the matter is, everyone is slightly self centered, and when people make decisions about things, they are generally doing them from a place of self, and generally has very little to do with their feelings about me.

The big problem here is that once there is that once I let just a little bit of doubt in, I tend to doubt everything and my brain spirals from there. Questioning everything that I do that might be a bit unique, off the beaten path, and outside of what most people would consider normal. And this doubtful questioning isn't from a rational place of re-evaluation, it's from an emotional place. It's that insecure girl that decided to fake confidence one day that still lives inside the confident person that she grew into. (yes people, fake it till you make it works! As do positive affirmations and self praise)

Yesterday I broke. I heard something that was said to me in a way that it wasn't meant. It was like it pulled at a thread of my sweater, and from there the sweater just unraveled completely until I had time to really digest the whole situation over a run. Running really is therapy, though it helps to have some amazingly supportive running buddies.

This post is half a reminder to my self to not take everything so personally, to be confident in the choices that I make that work for my life, and to remember that I can be as strong on the inside as I appear on the outside, I just need to work on it, and maybe half an apology.

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