Friday, March 9, 2012

from 366 to 59... 59 days to 30

I seriously can't believe I have less than 2 months left in my 29th year.

I was upset when I started this blog. I thought that I needed something amazing or profound to happen before I turned 30, but now, I think I have realized that I just need to love.

My iPod has a mind of its own, and for a while it seemed that every time I put it on, James Taylor's song Shower the people you love with love came on. I think it was the universe trying to tell me that I didn't need to censor myself. I needed to just show the people I love in my life that I love them, and things would work out fine.

59 days. It's pretty amazing.

Even more amazing, it's not the end of my 20's, but the beginning of my 30's.

I can't wait!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


I have always had to learn lessons the hard way. Luckily it's not the hardest way, I leave that to my sister, but I still don't choose the easy path when it comes to things. I am stubborn. I hold true to the bull headed Taurus.

The funny thing about learning lessons is that sometimes you only learn them when it's too late.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


I actually really like making lists. I like being able to check off tasks as I complete them and track all the awesome things I am able to accomplish! I have toyed with the idea of making a list of things to complete before I turn 30... but with only 243 days left, I'm afraid.

I'm scared that I'll fail to accomplish things, I'm scared to add the really important things, and I'm scared that I'll look back on my list in a few years and think that it's dumb. (yes, I am scared that future me will judge past me)

But maybe that's because 243 days doesn't seem like long enough to accomplish my goals... or maybe I already have accomplished some things, and I'm too scared to admit them.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

no one ever mentions the hard work

When you're told to follow your dreams, no one ever mentions that you also have to work really, really hard. And that sometimes you don't even know where to start. That, actually is less of a problem than starting somewhere and then not knowing where to go next.

I'm not exactly sure that I don't know where to go... I think I am just afraid of doing it. I mean, I have figured out some things, and I think that there are more that I will learn on the fly from experience, so now I've just got to do it. Problem is, I feel more like a scared 5 year old on the first day of school than someone who is 250 days away from turning 30.

Friday, August 19, 2011

the art of speaking up

Sometimes when something bothers you, you're the only one that knows. You'd sound pretty whiney if you spoke up every time someone unintentionally hurt your feelings, but if you see that it's a pattern, maybe it's time to speak up.

I get afraid when it comes to sharing how I feel about something. Sure, I don't have a problem asking for tangible things that I want. But when it comes to how I am being treated or how I feel about something, my first instinct is to keep quiet, pout to myself, and then try to move on. The problem here is when it happens again, and maybe even again, you start to get a little angry and worry that it might be intentional, even when rationally you know its not because you never spoke up in the first place.

So, when something bothers you, find the right time to speak up and explain why it makes you feel the way it does. It makes life a lot easier, since most people aren't very good mind readers.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

internal strength against external forces

I happen to think that I am pretty centered. I know who I am, I like that person, I am aware of my faults, and either except them or try to work on them. I happen to be pretty confident in my choices too. I don't always take the usual path, but I'm certain that the path I do take is the right one for me at the time. Most of the time, all is good, life is grand!

What about the other times?

Most covers a lot of the time, but sometimes I do let external things break through and get to me. And let me tell you, I am not always so great at handling things when that happens. I tend to think that people make decisions because they either don't like me, or they want to hurt me, or something, but in my slightly self centered brain, it has to do with me (yes, I do think that I am slightly self centered, but I count it as both a strength and a fault). But the truth of the matter is, everyone is slightly self centered, and when people make decisions about things, they are generally doing them from a place of self, and generally has very little to do with their feelings about me.

The big problem here is that once there is that once I let just a little bit of doubt in, I tend to doubt everything and my brain spirals from there. Questioning everything that I do that might be a bit unique, off the beaten path, and outside of what most people would consider normal. And this doubtful questioning isn't from a rational place of re-evaluation, it's from an emotional place. It's that insecure girl that decided to fake confidence one day that still lives inside the confident person that she grew into. (yes people, fake it till you make it works! As do positive affirmations and self praise)

Yesterday I broke. I heard something that was said to me in a way that it wasn't meant. It was like it pulled at a thread of my sweater, and from there the sweater just unraveled completely until I had time to really digest the whole situation over a run. Running really is therapy, though it helps to have some amazingly supportive running buddies.

This post is half a reminder to my self to not take everything so personally, to be confident in the choices that I make that work for my life, and to remember that I can be as strong on the inside as I appear on the outside, I just need to work on it, and maybe half an apology.

Friday, August 5, 2011

the art of asking for what you want

My mom gave me a hard time a couple of months ago because I asked to borrow her car for a date (I was later bailed on and the date never happened, it was all for the best and that point is moot). Anyway, my mom couldn't believe that I asked. She thought that I was putting her in the position where she had to turn me down and then felt like I had guilted her into feeling bad. I kinda saw her point and felt bad that she felt bad (oh no, are we entering a guilt spiral!), but only because she felt bad.

I explained to my mom that rather than wishing I could borrow her car, I decided to ask. No one ever gets what they want by wishing. You get things by asking for them. I was fully prepared that she was going to say no, but the risk was worth it on the outside chance that she might say yet. Now, this only works if you are prepared to hear the word 'NO'. And if you really want something, you have to be clear about your wants and expectations, and be willing to compromise.

It's worth taking the risk of asking for what you want sometimes. Because, sure, my mom said no when I wanted to borrow her convertible for a date, but she said yes when I asked to drive it over Memorial Day weekend! Though, she wanted to borrow my car then... ;)
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